What a Midlife Crisis Looks Like From a Man’s Point of View
It’s much darker than yearning for sports cars and young secretaries.
You’ve seen the advertising for amusement parks like Six Flags, Busch Gardens, and Disney’s Magic Kingdom.
Roller coasters — the most exciting rides in the entire amusement park! They grace the front covers on all of the brochures, and they are a prominent part of every TV commercial: Fast! Tall! Thrilling! YOU’LL SCREAM!
If you’ve ever been on a roller coaster, you know there are two halves of it. The first half is the main drop where you gain all of your momentum very quickly. It’s where your butt comes out of the seat as you race towards earth, your face sagging when you first go through that 360-degree loop. It feels as if you very well may reach the speed of sound, and the car you are in will fly off into low-earth orbit.
That first half is absolutely worth waiting in line for over an hour. It’s fucking amazing!
The second half is still pretty fun, but it doesn’t compare to the first. There are ridges and troughs. There are 180-degree turns that push you into the hard plastic side of your car. You zoom around at a decent enough speed at ground level next to people eating their cotton candy or looking at the park map. Before you know it, your car is click-click-clicking to a stop and the lap bar raises with a hiss.
You know what they don’t put on the brochures for Six Flags? The second half of the roller coaster.
My Younger Years
I was never a guy that settled for mediocrity.
I never had ambitions as a young man to settle down at an early age. Life is mine for the living, I’ve always thought, and I want to experience it all.
I had dreams of traveling all through Europe, which I did.
I visited 13 different countries during my backpacking days. I’ve been all throughout Europe, and I loved every second of it. One of the best meals of my life was at the end of a damp, dirty alley in Italy. A four-course meal of grilled octopus salad, dried beef pizza, raw oysters, gelato, and a bottle of wine only set me back about €30. I walked back to my hotel room with Milan spinning around in eyes, unsure if I was drunk from the wine or from that amazing experience.
I wanted to create a business, which I did.
I dreamed of business success, and I have achieved it (though I now have a much better understanding about the advantages and pitfalls of being a business owner.)
I wanted to sleep with as many beautiful women as I could, and I had a great life as a single man. During the peak of my 20s into my young 30s, I was a serial bachelor but spent time with some truly remarkable women.
When time came for me to settle down, I was somehow blessed with two dreams at once. I have always wanted two daughters, and the ideal situation would be twin daughters. I even got this dream granted!
There’s very little during the first half of my life that I look back and truly regret doing. I may have been an asshole here and there, but who isn’t?
I can honestly say, by the time I approached 40, I had accomplished everything I had ever wanted to accomplish. Life was good.
Then It Hit
One day, a year or two before I hit the big 4–0, the whole “second half of the rollercoaster” feeling popped in my head. It really knocked me on my knees.
Here I am, now in my mid-40s, and I still have days where it’s heavy on my mind.
When I was seeing a therapist, we spent several sessions on this topic because it’s something I can’t quite shake. I explained it like this:
When I was younger, I had a huge list of things I was excited about. Traveling, meeting people, buying a house, having kids, landing a dream job, etc.. I’ve found myself at a point in my life journey where the list of things I have done and loved is much longer than the list of things I’m excited about doing one day.
It’s really a conundrum. I feel my life is incredibly full. I have a wife I adore. I have twins that are the light of my life. I have a business that provides me comfort and security. Life is good. There’s just one problem — there’s a gnawing on my gut that I can’t shake.
My main source of dread is that I’m going to reach a point where I’ll be merely coasting for the rest of my life. Going back to the roller coaster imagery, I’ve never been much of a coaster.
Many people try to argue the reasoning by saying there is plenty to look forward to. Which, logically, I know there is. Emotions are illogical, though. What nobody has helped me with is the fact that these emotions and feelings are real to me. Despite the offered counterpoints, the energy from these feelings persists and is steadily there.
Can You Cure A Midlife Crisis?
What can we conclude about this? No matter what I discuss with others, nothing seems to get me past this mental hurdle.
In the past year or so, it has occurred to me that moving forward in life has become difficult due to the fear of myself slowing down. The fear alone has caused its own self-realization!
If I were to take an objective look at my life, it is so much better in every way in my mid-40s than it ever was during my 20s and early-30s. Yet, that youthful discomfort of stagnation and its eventual dominating feature of my life still haunts me from time to time.
I suppose this presence of fear will always be an unwelcome but steadfast partner to me, always alongside me during my walk through every phase of life from here on out. I must learn to subsist with him, to come to peace with him.
One day, perhaps, his strength will whither into nothingness, and he will fade as I enter old age, laughing at the memory of his existence in my joyrides through life with a sense of renewed excitement.
His burden will be lifted, and I shall return to living without sadness.
